Valentine's Day Was Created By

My Perfect Night Would Be Going Out To An Awesome Restaurant, Then Heading Over To The Comedy Cellar To Hang Out With Other Comics, Drinking Beers And Making Fun Of Each Other.

I Hated My Mom For Not Letting Me Play Football As A Kid. So When I Have Kids Someday, I Guarantee They'll Never Meet Their Grandmother.

Hitler Really Wasn't So Bad. In The Black Way.

My Dad's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. Keeps On Losing His Keys. Can't Hang On To A Set Of Keys To Save His Life. And He Has Tried Everything Too: Little Hook Next To The Door, Little Bowl Next To His Bed, Keychain Makes A Noise When You Whistle. Nothing Worked. So Finally, This Year For His Birthday, The Whole Family Chipped In - And We Put Him In A Home.

I Never Knew If I Would Get My Own Show, But I Knew I Loved Stand-up.