My Mother Was An Amateur

Somebody Said To Me This Morning, 'to What Do You Attribute Your Longevity?' I Don't Know. I Mean, I Couldn't Have Planned My Life Out Better. By All Accounts I Should Be Dead! The Abuse I Put My Body Through: The Drugs, The Alcohol, The Lifestyle I've Lived The Last 30 Years!

I Knew It Was Time To Get Off Of Reality Tv When Someone Asked Me If I Sang As Well As Acted.

I Am A Raging Alcoholic, But I Don't Want My Kids To Do The Same.

I Grew Up Having To Piss In A Bucket ’cos There Was No Indoor Shitter, And Now I Have These Computerised Japanese Super-loo Things That Have Heated Seats And Wash And Blow-dry Your Arse At The Touch Of A Button. Give It A Couple Of Years And I’ll Have A Bog With A Robot Arm That Pulls Out My Turds, So I Don’t Have To Strain.

I Do Miss The Social Aspect Of Sitting In A Pub With A Pint But You Know What When I Get Down To It I Never Went For A Pint. I Went To A Pub To Get F**ked Up. If It Was Just Going For A Pint That Would Be Ok But Once I Start I Just Can't Stop.