I Don't Ever Want To

I Think A Theater Show Is A Pure Version Of Me Doing My Material. The Theater Crowd Is A Bit More Polite, There Really Aren't Hecklers, And There Are A Lot Of People There To See Me, And They're Excited About The Jokes And Hanging Out With Me For A Show.

Yeah We're Not Together Anymore. She Has Got - She Has Got A New Boyfriend Now. They Just Moved Into Together. And I've Heard Rumors That He Is Abusive, Which Makes You Want To Go Over There With A Baseball Bat. And Then Blame It On Her Boyfriend.

I Hated My Mom For Not Letting Me Play Football As A Kid. So When I Have Kids Someday, I Guarantee They'll Never Meet Their Grandmother.

Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."

I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist.