I Can Always Tell How

I Think Hair Gel Was Invented To Make It Easier To Identify Assholes From A Distance.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

I Think That When You Get Dressed In The Morning, Sometimes You're Really Making A Decision About Your Behavior For The Day. Like If You Put On Flipflops, You're Saying: 'hope I Don't Get Chased Today.' 'be Nice To People In Sneakers.'