Nothing Can Prepare You For

Why Is The Forecast So Bland? Why Instead Of 'stormy' Don't They Just Say The Sea's 'a Frothing Maelstrom Of Terror And Hopelessness'?

Column Writing Is Like Gas - It Fills The Available Space.

There Are Many Rules For The Elderly In The Highway Code. I Have One Too, And Here It Is: Get A Bloody Move On.

I Have A Pathological Terror Of Falling Through Ice. I Nearly Drowned Once. I Fell Off A Boat And Got A Cramp, And Was Rescued By An Oil-rig Diver, A Great Bear Of A Man Who Simply Leant Into The Water And Scooped Me Out With One Finger.

I Therefore Have To Use The Force. And Weirdly, This Doesn't Work Very Well. I Don't Understand Why, Because On The Last Census, I Put My Religion Down As Jedi Knight.