No Matter Where You Go

I Was Nice To The People In The Philippines For The Two And A Half Years I Was There, Because I Knew Even­tually I'd Have To Kiss Up To Them So My Grandchildren Could Have Toys.

I Don't Care If The Average Guy On The Street Really Knows What I'm Like, As Long As He Knows I'm Not Really A Mean, Vicious Guy. My Friends And Family Know What I'm Really Like. That's What's Important.

To My Knowledge, I Was The First Guy Really To Do What I Do. And Then Later On Different Comedians Started Trying Doing It.

I Was Sitting In The Toilet And I Was By Myself. I Was Tired Of Playing With The Roller, So I Said I'd Better Write A Book.

Italians Are Fantastic People, Really. They Can Work You Over In An Alley While Singing An Opera.