My Grandmother's Brain Was Dead,

The Way I Understand It, The Russians Are Sort Of A Combination Of Evil And Incompetence... Sort Of Like The Post Office With Tanks.

I Ran Five Miles Today. Then, Finally, I Said, 'here, Lady...take Your Purse.'

My Parents Were Very Protective. I Couldn't Even Cross The Street Without Them Getting All Excited, And Placing Bets.

There's A Joke In Everything, The Trick Is Finding It. The Best Compliment A Joke Can Get Is What Huxley Said About Darwin's Theory Of Evolution - 'why Didn't I Think Of That?'

I Told My Wife She Looks Sexy With Black Fingernails. Now She Thinks I Slammed The Car Door On Her Hand On Purpose.