Most Single Guys I Know

I Think It's Important To Control Your Opportunities, Because In The Entertainment World, It's Not Up To You. I'm Not Sitting Here Under This Naïve Belief That Someone In Hollywood Is Going, "gaffigan! What Kind Of A Show Can I Build Around Him?" So You Have To Find Things That Can Showcase Your Point Of View.

They Always Give You Three Ketchup Packets. When You Go Back Up And Ask For More, The Guy Handing Them Out Always Treats You Like You're Taking From His Personal Stash. "looks Like My Kids Aren't Having Ketchup Tonight."

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

There Are Some People Who Know Who I Am But There Are A Lot Of People That Have No Idea Who I Am - Which Is Not To Say That That's A Bad Thing.