I'm Sitting In The Bus

I'm Sorry, Was That Homophobic? No--i Think It Was, 'cause I Hear That A Lot. Dave, What?, You're Talking About Being Gay. You Probably Secretly Are Gay. And I'm Like Listen Voice In My Head, I'm Not! How Do You Know You Wouldn't Like It? How Do You Know You Wouldn't Like It? I Know I Wouldn't Like It, Other Scarier Voice In My Head! 'cause One Time While Making A Sandwich, A Cucumber Went Up My Ass. Three Times.

I Don't Have A Girlfriend But Sometimes I Like To Pretend I Do. I Just Stand In My Apartment Screaming No, That's Not What I Said!

It's A Horrible Economy But I'm Trying To Do My Part. I Just Bought A New Shower Curtain It Has All The Presidents On It. Do You Know How Hard It Is To Masturbate With All The Presidents Staring At You? And When The Water Hits Them It Looks Like They're Crying.

I'm Sitting In The Bus Station, Minding My Own Business, Reading 'ta-da!' Magazine; A Magazine By And For Gay Magicians, But That's A Different Story.

Never Drink Alone, That's What They Say. But You Know What? If You Drink You Will Never Be Alone, Alright?