Being On The Road Is

Sometimes You Need A Cigarette. Like After You Have Sex With A Beautiful Woman Or A Confused Young Man.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

Every Dude In Here Has Had A Fantasy About Jessica Simpson. Here's Mine: Jessica, Hold Your Sister Ashlee So I Can Kick Her In The Throat.

When I First Saw A Strap On, I Put It On My Head And Ran Around Like A Rhino.

I Masturbate! I Do It Like I Think If I Keep Doing It, I'm Gonna Win Something.