If You Lie To A

When Someone's Running Late Through An Airport, I Hope They Miss Their Flight So They Can Meet The Love Of Their Life At The Duty Free Shop.

The Whole Thing With Comedy Is That You Are Always In Control. Writer, Director, Actor, Producer, And Sometimes Bouncer. And You Are Just A Piece Of Their Puzzle.

I Always Thought That If I Got No Love At All Early In My Standup Career, Or I Was God Awful, I Thought I'd Get Into Psychology.

I Think Beating Someone To Death With A Ukulele Would Just Sound Funny.

I Had One Job That Was Kind Of Cop-like. One Summer I Did Security At A Miniature Golf Course. Just Standing Out In The Sun All Day, Hey, Hey, Excuse Me Sir. Get Your Putter Out Of The Whale's Ass. Come On, This Is A Place Of Miniature Business. This Is Not A Playground Even Though It Looks Like A Playground.