I Want To Get A

Every Night, My Girlfriend Comes Home From Work, And She Brings With Her A Houseplant. She's Like, 'anthony, I Had To Pick This Up. We Need A Houseplant In Our Apartment.' And Every Night, I Make Her Return It. I Say, 'no Way, Baby. You Can't Take Care Of A Houseplant. You Couldn't Even Keep Your Baby Alive.'

I Try To Write Three Jokes Every Morning, Although I Don't Know What They Are. I Write Them As Fast As I Can, Then I Put Them Away For A Month. So I Couldn't Even Tell You What They Are, Or If They're Good. I Just Assume They Weren't.

I Got Into Comedy Because I Wanted To Get Into Writing.

The First Time I Had Sex, I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. It Was A Relief When The Whole Thing Was Over After Just 45 Minutes.

I Would Love To Dj The Royal Wedding. Just So I Could Play Candle In The Wind Non-stop.