I've Never Been Able To

You Know You're Getting Fat When You Step On The Dog's Tail And He Dies.

As A Standup Comedian, I've Worked Almost Every New Year's Eve Of My Adult Life. It's The Best-paying Night Of The Year.

I Never Minded Flying Cheap. I Always Said To Myself, 'taking This Flight Saves Enough Money To Rescue Four Dogs, Or Six Cats, Or Will Let Me Make A Difference To The One Woman Saving Chimps In Cameroon.'

I'm Pretty Equal Opportunity When It Comes To Issues To Joke About.

You Know You Are In Love When You Are Willing To Share Your Cash-machine Number.