I Spilled Some Vodka On

People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.

Once I Saw A Duck Walking Down The Street So I Went Into Subway And Ordered Two Pieces Of Bread, And They Informed Me That They Could Not Do That, Like There Was Some Speical Rule At Subway That Two Pieces Of Bread Weren't Allowed To Touch. So The Woman Asked Me What I Wanted On The Sandwich And I Said I Do Not Care, It Is For A Duck, And She Was Like Oh Then It's Free. I Was Not Aware That Ducks Eat For Free At Subway. It's Like Give Me A Chicken Fajita Sub, But Don't Worry About Ringing It Up, It Is For A Duck.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8?

I Didn't Go To College, But If I Did, I Would've Taken All My Tests At A Restaurant, 'cause 'the Customer Is Always Right'.

Do You Think I Am Standing Here, Making This Up As I Go? I Am Sorry To Disillusion You. I Am Not Robin Williams. I Am The King Of The Pen.