Because Of Acid, I Now

I Saw A Commercial For An Above-ground Pool, It Was 30 Seconds Long. Because That's The Maximum Amount Of Time You Can Picture Yourself Having Fun In An Above-ground Pool. If It Was 31 Seconds, The Actor Would Say "the Water Is Only Up To Here? What Do I Do Now? Throw The Ball Back To Jimmy? Or Put Some Goggles On And Look At His Feet?"

I Think Pickles Are Cucumbers That Sold Out.

Last Time I Called Shotgun We Had Rented A Limo, So I Messed Up!

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. I Just Know A Girl Who Would Get Really Mad If She Heard Me Say That.

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.