I Let A Friend Set

My Ex-girlfriend Owned A Parakeet…oh My God, That F**king Thing Would Never Shut Up. But The Bird Was Cool.

I Love Pittsburgh. Most Of My Family Still Lives There And I Try To Get Back A Couple Of Times A Year.

I Think The Reason I Became Funny Was Because If I Made People Laugh, They Would Let Me Keep Talking.

The True Meaning Of Christmas Is Actually Centuries Of Gullibility.

I Think Brilliant Stuff Comes Out Of Working With Limitations. One Liners Are Very Limiting, But That's What Drew Me To Them In The First Place.