I Do Dark [humor]. I

I Let A Friend Set Me Up On A Blind Date. It Was A Disaster. She Ended Up Being A Burn Victim. By The End Of The Night.

This Past Christmas, I Told My Girlfriend For Months In Advance That All I Wanted Was An Xbox. That's It. Beginning And End Of List, Xbox. You Know What She Got Me? A Homemade Frame With A Picture Of Us From Our First Date Together. Which Was Fine. Because I Got Her An Xbox.

There Is Nothing That's Off Limits. If People Think Something Is Off Limits, I Make It My Business To Go Make A Joke About It; That's My Job.

Whenever I Meet A Pretty Girl, The First Thing I Look For Is Intelligence; Because If She Doesn't Have That, Then She’s Mine.

My Ex-girlfriend Owned A Parakeet…oh My God, That F**king Thing Would Never Shut Up. But The Bird Was Cool.