Honesty Is Nothin' Compared To

I Have Enough Money To Last Me The Rest Of My Life, Unless I Buy Something.

I've Got A Friend Who Is Half-jewish And Half-italian. If He Can't Buy It Wholesale, He Steals It!

The Key Is That I'm Always Relevant. Some Of These Comedians Have Nothing To Say. They Don't Have Any Ideas So It's "f" This And "f" That. They Give You A Whole Series Of Swear Words And It's Really Just A Way For Them To Get Themselves Out Of Trouble When They Can't Come Up With Anything. They're Irrelevant And Ridiculous.

While I Have The Utmost Respect For People Who Practice The Christian Faith, The Fact Is, As Everyone Knows, I Am As Jewish As A Matzo Ball Or Kosher Salami.

Prostitutes Go To Jail. Their Customers Go Home And Read The New York Times. In This Country You're Allowed To Buy Anything. If You Need A Shirt, You Have A Right To Buy It. If You Need Sex, You Don't. What's More Important, Sex Or A Shirt?