Clinton Said He Feels Safe

California's Economy Is Declining So Rapidly That Candidates Are Asking 'are You Better Off Now Then You Were Four Minutes Ago?'

With Iraq Plunging Into Chaos And Gas Prices At Record Highs President Bush Took Time Out This Weekend For A Ride On His Bicycle, But Unfortunately He Fell Off And Sustained Cuts To His Face And Hands. Apparently Bush Was Distracted By The Enormous Responsibilities Of The Presidency. I'm Just Kidding. He Hit Some Gravel Or Something.

Ironically, The Possibility That The President Dodged His Military Service Has Increased His Approval Ratings With Democrats By 80 Percent.

Democrats Were Quick To Point Out That President Bush's Budget Creates A 1 Trillion Dollar Deficit. The White House Quickly Responded With 'hey, Look Over There, It's Saddam Hussein.'

As The Democrats Get Revved Up At Their Convention In Boston, President Bush Is Fighting Back The Only Way He Knows How: By Going On Vacation! Ah, It's Nice To Take A Rest, Replenish Your Supply Of Smirks. The Vacation Was Expected, Because Bush Traditionally Takes A Month Off Every Summer To Relax And Avoid Reading National Security Warnings.