Everybody Knows How Lazy He

[on Plastic Surgery:] When I Die, God Won't Know Me. There Are No Two Parts Of My Body The Same Age.

We Have Far Too Many Kids. At One Time In The Playpen There Was Standing-room Only. It Looked Like A Bus Stop For Midgets. It Used To Get So Damp In There, We'd Have A Rainbow Above It.

We Spend The First Twelve Months Of Our Children's Lives Teaching Them To Walk And Talk And The Next Twelve Telling Them To Sit Down And Shut Up.

I'm From Such An Old Family, It's Been Condemned.

My Husband Is So Cheap. On Christmas Eve, He Fires One Shot And Tells The Kids Santa Committed Suicide.