You Know What, When I

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

I Hate Every Human Being On Earth. I Feel That Everyone Is Beneath Me, And I Feel They Should All Worship Me. That's What I Told My Kids.