[writing A Joke] There Is

After A Six-year Battle, The Senate Will Vote Next Week To Begin Construction On The Keystone Xl Pipeline, Which Is An Oil Pipeline That Runs From Canada To The Gulf Coast. They're Hoping The Pipeline Will Provide Enough Oil To Cover Kim Kardashian's Next Photo Shoot.

President Obama Is Getting A New Limousine That Will Have Advanced Night-vision Capabilities. The Technology Even Has A Cool Name ... Headlights.

There Are Reports That Leaders From Isis And Al-qaida Met At A Farm House In Syria Last Week, And Agreed To Work Together Against Their Common Enemies. That Story Again: Two Radical Terrorist Groups Managed To Do What Two American Political Parties Cannot.

It Seems Like Everybody's Weighing In On Trumps Campaign - Even Dallas Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban. He Said That Trump Is 'probably The Best Thing To Happen To Politics In A Long, Long Time.' Then Trump Was Like, 'well, At Least One Cuban Loves Me.'

President Obama Finally Has His Own Personal Twitter Account. Even John Mccain Said, 'welcome To The Internet, Grandpa.'