When You Are Doing Stand-up

If You Have To Be At Work At 8, It's Always Like, 7:54. Just Enough Time To Do Nothing. To Just Lay There And Go, "i Can't Do Anything! I Can't Even Have An English Muffin!

I Think Beating Someone To Death With A Ukulele Would Just Sound Funny.

I Could Take My Time, And Nobody Was Pressuring Me To Be A Headliner. I Could Go Up There, Find My Voice, And Figure Out What I Wanted To Do.

I Would Love To Have Acidy Spit.

I Once Overheard The Sweetest Old Woman Behind Me On A Train Tell Her Adorable Old Husband As He Scoffed Down A Ham Sandwich She Had Brought Along, "if You Ever Yell At Me To "stop Bringing A Ham Sandwich With Me Every Where We Go" Again? Next Time I'm Bringing A Gun. And I'm Blowing Your God Damn Head Off."