When Life Hands You Lemons,

Set Up Another Case Bartender! The Best Thing For A Case Of Nerves Is A Case Of Scotch.

When Asked To Borrow Money: "i'll See What My Lawyer Says. . . . And If He Says Yes, I'll Get Another Lawyer.

Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.

I Never Drink Water; That Is The Stuff That Rusts Pipes.

I Exercise Strong Self Control. I Never Drink Anything Stronger Than Gin Before Breakfast.