When I Do An Hour-and-a-half

My Wife Said To Me, "i Want To Be Cremated." I Said, "how About Tuesday?"

Your Financial Cost Can Best Be Figured Out When You Realize That If You Were To Devote The Same Time And Energy To Business Instead Of Gold, You Would Be A Millionaire In Approximately Six Weeks.

I've Had A Few Arguments With People, But I Never Carry A Grudge. You Know Why? While You're Carrying A Grudge, They're Out Dancing.

You Want To Know What Makes Me Tick, I'll Tell You What Makes Me Tick. I Was A Boy Growing Up In Brooklyn; I Read A Two-penny Magazine Called 'the Hawk's Nest.' Nobody Entered That Nest That Didn't Leave A Little Richer And A Little Wiser. And That 11-year-old Boy Said, 'isn't That A Wonderful Thing.' And That's All There Is To It.

What Makes A Comedian Has Nothing To Do With Religion. Think Of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, Who Were All Catholics.