When A Couch Potato Is

Here Is A Tip For All You Young People Drinking Wine. With Pasta, Drink White Wine. With Steak, Drink Red Wine. And If You're Vegan, You're Annoying.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Being Watched, But Then I Remember That My Show Was Canceled Three Years Ago.

Batteries Are The Most Dramatic Object. Other Things Stop Working Or They Break, But Batteries... They Die.

I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down. Then, At Night, I Say The Thought To People Through A Microphone. I Don't Think About Politics Or Pop Culture Very Much, So Those Thoughts Don't Often Make It To The Microphone.

As Soon As I Jumped Out Of The Airplane, I Realized I Had Forgotten My Parachute. Thank God We Were Still On The Runway.