We Have A Two-party System:

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

These Ballot Initiatives Remind Us That America Is The Land Where People Are Free To Dream Whatever They Want, So Long As That Dream Doesn't Make Midwesterners Feel Icky!

See... What I Felt They Should Have Done, For Our First Public Works Project, Is Build A Giant Wall... Across The Entire Border Of Canada. Because That's Where The Cold Air Comes From.

I Think The Only Reason You Visit An Apple Store Is Because You Wonder What Life Is Like On Another Planet.

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.