This Shirt Is "dry-clean Only"...

Xylophone Is Spelled With An X. That's Wrong. It Should Be A Z Up Front. Next Time You Spell Xylophone, Use A Z. If Someone Says, "that's Wrong!", You Say, "no, It Ain't." If You Think That's Wrong, Then You Need To Have Your Head Z-rayed.

People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

I Want To Be A Race Car Passenger: Just A Guy Who Bugs The Driver. Say Man, Can I Turn On The Radio? You Should Slow Down. Why Do We Gotta Keep Going In Circles? Can I Put My Feet Out The Window? Man, You Really Like Tide.

I Travel With A Boom Box. When I Get On A Plane, I Stuff The Power Cord For The Boom Box Into The Battery Compartment. From An Outsider's Point Of View, It Looks Like I've Got It All Wrong.