Surprise Parties Are Strange 'cause

The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

I Bought A Clock, But The Big Hand Broke Off Of It... So I Just Added "ish" To Every Number.

But Long Story Short, I Didn't Start Doing Stand-up Because I Wanted To Have A Tv Show Or Be An Actor Or Even Wanted To Write Sketch Comedy. I Got Into Stand-up Because I Love Stand-up.

I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down. Then, At Night, I Say The Thought To People Through A Microphone. I Don't Think About Politics Or Pop Culture Very Much, So Those Thoughts Don't Often Make It To The Microphone.

My Credit Card Company Says I Have An Outstanding Balance. I'm Flattered.