Real Comedy Can't Be Learned;

When I Played The Sahara Hotel In Las Vegas On New Year's Eve, I Got To Bring Wiley, My 85-pound Black Lab. He's Responsible For My Favorite New Year's Memory Of All: At The End Of The Show, He Ran Onstage And Then Out Across All The Tables In The Showroom, Sending Champagne Glasses And Gamblers Flying.

Wouldn’t It Be Great To See A Line In All Movie Credits That Truthfully Says, “nobody Was Harmed In The Making Of This Film, And At The Cast Party, All Animals Got A Belly Belly Belly Rub”.

You Know You Are In Love When You Are Willing To Share Your Cash-machine Number.

I Love My Parents And They're Wonderful People, But They Were Strict, And I Still Look For Ways To Get Even. When I Got My Own Apartment For The Very First Time And They Came To Stay With Me For The Weekend, I Made Them Stay In Separate Bedrooms.

A Man Who Was Loved By 300 Woman Singled Me Out To Live With Him. Why? I Was The Only One Without A Cat.