People Ask What I Am

I Contemplated Suicide. My Main Concern Was That I Would Not Make The New York Times Obituary Page.

Television Has A Real Problem. They Have No Page Two. Consequently Every Big Story Gets The Same Play And Comes Across To The Viewer As A Really Big, Scary One.

Writing Humor In My Column Isn't As Dangerous As Performing It. If I Fail In Front Of A Live Audience, The Humiliation Is As Great As Anything A Human Being Can Suffer.

The Powder Is Mixed With Water And Tastes Exactly Like Powder Mixed With Water.

Human Beings Thrive On Action. Stagnation Does Not Wear Well With Us. We Are Said To Have Our Origins As Hunter-gatherers. We Run And We Chase. We Are Problem-solvers. We Must Be Continuously Tested And We Continuously Test Ourselves. And It Will Not End Until Our Lives End Because Of Life Itself.