My Parents Didn't Want To

The Idea Behind The Tuxedo Is The Woman's Point Of View That Men Are All The Same; So We Might As Well Dress Them That Way. That's Why A Wedding Is Like The Joining Together Of A Beautiful, Glowing Bride And Some Guy. The Tuxedo Is A Wedding Safety Device, Created By Women Because They Know That Men Are Undependable. So In Case The Groom Chickens Out, Everybody Just Takes One Step Over, And She Marries The Next Guy.

There Is No Such Thing As An Attention Span. There Is Only The Quality Of What You Are Viewing. This Whole Idea Of An Attention Span Is, I Think, A Misnomer. People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

Men, As An Organization, Are Getting More Women Than Any Other Group Working Anywhere In The World. Wherever Women Are, We Have Men Looking Into It.

Our Good Time Is Sitting In A Coffee Shop With A Newspaper, Writing A Line On The Back Of A Napkin. That Is The Most Fun Comedians Ever Have