My Forte Is Awkwardness.

At What Age Do You Think It's Appropriate To Tell A Highway It's Adopted?

You Know It's Time To Do The Laundry When You Dry Off With A Sneaker.

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.

I Dream Of Moving To India, Or Pakistan, And Becoming A Cabdriver.

I Have Never Been Much Of A Groomer. I Take Baths A Lot, But I Don't Wear Deodorant. I Don't Have To. I Have A Miraculous Body Scent. I've Had Women Smell Me And Say That Should Be Bottled. I Would Advise Guys To Lay Off The Drakkar, Because The Cavemen Weren't Wearing It. They Might Have Been Putting Mint Leaves On Their Balls, But Your Scent Is Grown Naturally. I Have Really Good Dating Advice.