Larry King Is So Old,

I Was A Terrible Employee. I've Been Fired From Almost Every Job I've Ever Had, Luckily, In A Good Way, Or Else I'd Be Stuck. I Would Always Joke Around With Everybody, And No One Enjoyed My Humor.

I Like To Read, But Otherwise I'm Just Your Average, Self-obsessed Comedian. It's Pretty Much All I Think About.

My Girlfriend Asked Me If I Only Love Her For Her Body. I Said No, Baby. Just Parts Of It.

I've Got A Long History Of Suicid In My Family; The Good News Is It Skips A Generation, So, If I'm Lucky, My Kids Will Kill Themselves.

Every Night, My Girlfriend Comes Home From Work, And She Brings With Her A Houseplant. She's Like, 'anthony, I Had To Pick This Up. We Need A Houseplant In Our Apartment.' And Every Night, I Make Her Return It. I Say, 'no Way, Baby. You Can't Take Care Of A Houseplant. You Couldn't Even Keep Your Baby Alive.'