In City Rooms And In

I Am Not Anti-gun. I'm Pro-knife. Consider The Merits Of The Knife. In The First Place, You Have To Catch Up With Someone In Order To Stab Him. A General Substitution Of Knives For Guns Would Promote Physical Fitness. We'd Turn Into A Whole Nation Of Great Runners. Plus, Knives Don't Ricochet. And People Are Seldom Killed While Cleaning Their Knives.

On Bill Clinton: "if Left To My Own Devices, I'd Spend All My Time Pointing Out That He's Weaker Than Bus-station Chili. But The Man Is So Constantly Subjected To Such Hideous And Unfair Abuse That I Wind Up Standing Up For Him On The General Principle That Some Fairness Should Be Applied. Besides, No One But A Fool Or A Republican Ever Took Him For A Liberal.

There Are Two Kinds Of Humor. One Kind That Makes Us Chuckle About Our Foibles And Our Shared Humanity -- Like What Garrison Keillor Does. The Other Kind Holds People Up To Public Contempt And Ridicule -- That's What I Do. Satire Is Traditionally The Weapon Of The Powerless Against The Powerful. I Only Aim At The Powerful. When Satire Is Aimed At The Powerless, It Is Not Only Cruel -- It's Vulgar.

When Michael Jackson, A Poor Black Boy Who Grew Up To Be A Rich, White Woman, Married Elvis Presley's Daughter The Scientologist. Makes You Proud To Be An American, Dudn't It?

Every Two Years, One Of The Most Hotly Contested Elections In Texas Is The Poll Taken Among Members Of The Capitol Press Corps To Determine Who Are Actually The Ten Stupidest Members Of The Legislature. Two Years Ago, There Were Thirty-seven Official Nominees And Several Write-ins.