In A New Poll 54

Declassified Papers Report That John Kennedy Was Taking Eight Different Medications A Day. He Was So Wasted, His Secret Service Code Name Was Ted Kennedy.

President Bush Is In The Hot Seat Over Iraqi Pre-war Intelligence. Remember The Good Ol' Days When The Only Thing The President Was Trying To Cover Up Was A Stain?

Bryant Gumbel Is Thrilled About His Cbs Deal And Can't Wait To Start Alienating The Staff Of An Entirely New Network.

With Iraq Plunging Into Chaos And Gas Prices At Record Highs President Bush Took Time Out This Weekend For A Ride On His Bicycle, But Unfortunately He Fell Off And Sustained Cuts To His Face And Hands. Apparently Bush Was Distracted By The Enormous Responsibilities Of The Presidency. I'm Just Kidding. He Hit Some Gravel Or Something.

President Bush Spent Last Night Calling World Leaders To Support The War With Iraq And It Is Sad When The Most Powerful Man On Earth Is Yelling, 'i Know You're There, Pick Up, Pick Up.