Im Not The Voice Of

You'll Get My Assault Weapon When You Pry It Out Of My Curious Six-year-old's Cold Dead Hands.

You Can't Expect Everyone To Laugh Or Applaud You For Doing Edgy Things. Sometimes You'll Miss. But I Think Comedians Are Artists And There's A Value In Failure. It Kind Of Works Both Ways Between Comedians And Audiences. The Audience Has To Understand That Comedians Are Going To Sometimes Tell A Joke That Doesn't Work Out With Dark Subjects, And The Comedian Has To Understand That Sometimes They 'll Fail And It's Not The Audience's Fault For Not Getting It Or Loving It.

I Think My Friend Jeff Is Gay. I Don't Know - I'm So Bad With Names.

Child Molesters Must All Think They've Got Huge Dicks.

This Past Christmas, I Told My Girlfriend For Months In Advance That All I Wanted Was An Xbox. That's It. Beginning And End Of List, Xbox. You Know What She Got Me? A Homemade Frame With A Picture Of Us From Our First Date Together. Which Was Fine. Because I Got Her An Xbox.