I'm Never Proper Or Careful,

There Are Only Three Things Women Need In Life: Food, Water, And Compliments.

You Can Only Offend Me If You Mean Something To Me.

Being A Comedian Is A Lot Like Being An Athlete. If You're Carl Lewis And You're The Fastest, Then No Matter What You're The Fastest.

Whoever You Hate Will End Up In Your Family. You Don't Like Gays? You're Gonna Have A Gay Son. You Don't Like Puerto Ricans? Your Daughter's Gonna Come Home With Livin' La Vida Loca!

Actually, I Think All Addiction Starts With Soda. Every Junkie Did Soda First. But No One Counts That. Maybe They Should. The Soda Connection Is Clear. Why Isn't A Presidential Commission Looking Into This? Or At Least Some Guys From The National Carbonation Council.