I'm A Comic, So I

The Point Of Drinking In Moderation Is That Sometimes You Don't Drink In Moderation.

The Only Reason I Can't Recommend Heroin To Kids Is Because The Effects Wear Off.

I Have Gay Friends, I Support Gay Rights, I Have Nothing Against The Gay Community, But When I See Two Guys Kissing, I Think It's Gross. And, By The Way, It's Gross When 99% Of Straight People Do It, Too.

I Was At Yankee Stadium One Time At 5 A.m., But That Was To Buy Angel Dust

I Quit Drinking, And I Figure If I Go To Ten Yankee Games This Year Without Drinking I'll Save $32,000.