I'm A Comic, So I

I Quit Drinking, And I Figure If I Go To Ten Yankee Games This Year Without Drinking I'll Save $32,000.

Have You Ever Googled Yourself? I Did, Most Depressing Thing Ever. People Have Websites Hoping I Die At 38.

I Have Been In A Lot Of Movies, But None Of Them Are Critics' Darlings, You Might Say.

When I Black Out, It's The Happiest Time Of My Life.

I'm Very Resilient. The Only Thing I'm Missing Right Now Are Abs.