I'm A Comedian, Which Is

Be More Assertive With What You Want To Do.

You Ever Look For The Remote Control, But You Can't Find It, So You Just Decide, "ah, Guess I'm Not Watching Tv. I'm Not Gonna Take Two Steps And Turn It On Myself. I'll Go To The Gym If I'm Going To Work Out."

I'm An Eccentric, Silly, Observational Guy, But I'm Not Gonna Frighten Off Social Conservatives.

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators. Stand-up Comedy Is Very Much A Conversation. It's Very Personal, Stylistically.

I Usually Don't Have A Burger, A Brat, And A Steak But It Is 4th Of July. And I Need The Energy If I'm Gonna Start Blowin Crap Up. It's What The Founding Fathers Would Want.