I Would Start A Revolution,

Whether You Are On The Right Or The Left, Everyone Can Agree That There Are A Lot Of Outside Influences In American Politics That Are Not Good For The System. There's Just Too Much Money.

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.

I Have A 60-acre Farm In North Carolina, And I Have A Tractor And A Farmhouse. As Soon As I Groom The Land, I Want To Put Cabins Around And Have A Place Where People Can Write And Hang Out. It'll Be Either That Or An All-black Nudist Colony.

Fat Jokes To Me Are Always, Always Hilarious, As Long As They're Done Towards Yourself.

That's One Of The Great Things About Comedy: We Can - And Should - Say The Things That Other People Aren't Supposed To Say. If We Didn't Do That, If We Didn't Push Against Those Limits, We'd Just Be Standing Around Onstage And Yelling.