I Wish I Was This

I Was Always A Thin Kid; I Was An Athlete.

My Mother Would Say, Before I Left The House, 'remember Art, Hugs Are Better Than Drugs.' And I Believed My Mother, I Believed Everything She Said - Until The First Time I Got High At A Party. I Leaned Back, And I Went, 'god, This Is Way Better Than When My Uncle Perry Hugs Me. What Else Has My Mother Been Lying To Me About?

I Have A Bad Gambling Problem. You're Not In Show Business For 12 Years And Dress Like This Without A Bad Gambling Problem.

Comedians, We're Just People Who Whine. But We Happen To Be Funny When We Whine.

I Quit Drinking, And I Figure If I Go To Ten Yankee Games This Year Without Drinking I'll Save $32,000.