I Tell Very Mean Jokes.

I Hated My Mom For Not Letting Me Play Football As A Kid. So When I Have Kids Someday, I Guarantee They'll Never Meet Their Grandmother.

I Was A Terrible Employee. I've Been Fired From Almost Every Job I've Ever Had, Luckily, In A Good Way, Or Else I'd Be Stuck. I Would Always Joke Around With Everybody, And No One Enjoyed My Humor.

I Grew Up In A Poor Family. I Had To Cut Everyone's Hair, Because We Didn't Have Money For Entertainment.

My Girlfriend Was Just Killed In A Car Accident. Devastating. I Can't Believe I'm Only Going To Have Sex With Her One More Time.

I Can't Talk Politics With My Cousin Because He's Such A Hypocrite. He's Against The Death Penalty And He Hanged Himself.