I Smoke Crack. I Get

You Think When Gym Teachers Were Younger, They're Thinking, "you Know, I Want To Teach...but I Don't Want To Read. How About Kickball For 40 Years?"

I Told My Son, Who's 11, "look, I Don't Care If You Curse - It's Other People That Care." So We Tried That Experiment, And He Just Cursed All The Time. And I Was Like, "all Right, Now I Care That You Curse." You Try To Have This Idealized View, And It's Like, "i Don't Care." But It's Just Going To Cause Chaos.

I Initially Signed Up For Twitter Just To Do Jokes I Wasn't Going To Do In My Stand-up Routine.

If You're A Guy Over 30 By Yourself In The Hotel Pool, You Automatically Look Like A Murderer Who's Just Relaxing After He Strangled A Family. "yeah-that Dad Was A Tough One To Kill."

Raising Kids May Be A Thankless Job With Ridiculous Hours, But At Least The Pay Sucks.