I Smoke Crack. I Get

I Think It's Important To Control Your Opportunities, Because In The Entertainment World, It's Not Up To You. I'm Not Sitting Here Under This Naïve Belief That Someone In Hollywood Is Going, "gaffigan! What Kind Of A Show Can I Build Around Him?" So You Have To Find Things That Can Showcase Your Point Of View.

I Need The Concept Of Mercy For Me To Have Some Semblance Of Self-admiration. So In Real Life, I'm Probably Somebody Who Is More Devout.

Ironically, To My Children, Bedtime Is A Punishment That Violates Their Basic Rights As Human Beings.

Whenever One Of My Children Says, 'goodnight, Daddy,' I Always Think To Myself, 'you Don't Mean That.

How Did We Get To The Point Where We're Paying For Bottled Water? That Must Have Been Some Weird Marketing Meeting Over In France. Some French Guy's Sitting There, Like, "how Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water."