My Wife Always Asks Me

I Left The Midwest Thinking I Didn't Fit In. But When I Got To New York, I Realized How Truly Midwestern I Was.

You Think When Gym Teachers Were Younger, They're Thinking, "you Know, I Want To Teach...but I Don't Want To Read. How About Kickball For 40 Years?"

I Love How New York Is So Multicultural. I Wish I Was Ethnic, I'm Nothing. Because If You're Hispanic And You Get Angry, People Are Like, 'he's Got A Latin Temper!' If You're A White Guy And You Get Angry, People Are Like, 'that Guy's A Jerk.'

I Don't Want People To Think I Believe In God.

Whenever You Go Out To Eat You Gotta Get The Appetizer. 'cause The Appetizer's Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. You're Always Like "lets See, I Will Start With The 80 Buffalo Wings...and Do You Have A Low-cal Blue Cheese? 'cause I Don't Wanna Fill Up Too Much."