I Ran Five Miles Today.

My Mom Gave Me One Of Those Cloth Calendars For The Kitchen. It Took Me Three Hours To Sew In A Dental Appointment.

I Was Walking Home One Night And A Guy Hammering On A Roof Called Me A Paranoid Little Weirdo. In Morse Code.

I Told My Wife She Looks Sexy With Black Fingernails. Now She Thinks I Slammed The Car Door On Her Hand On Purpose.

Coming Up With A Funny Joke Is Like Falling In Love: It Can Hit You Any Time, Anywhere. Having Said That, The More You Put Yourself Out There, The Better Your Odds Will Be.

I Don't Really Hang Out With People. I Like To Be By Myself. In Fact, I've Been Arrested A Few Times Because I Like To Walk Around At Two Or Three In The Morning, Looking At Shop Windows. The Cops Take Me To The Station And Fingerprint Me. But I Wouldn't Call That Hanging Out.