I Ran Five Miles Today.

New York's Such A Wonderful City. Although I Was At The Library Today. The Guy Was Very Rude. I Said, "i'd Like A Card." He Says, "you Have To Prove You're A Citizen Of New York." So I Stabbed Him.

People Always Ask Me, 'where Were You When Kennedy Was Shot?' Well, I Don't Have An Alibi.

My Girlfriend Said, Just Buy Me Something Crazy And Expensive, Something I Don't Even Need! So, I Signed Her Up For Radiation Treatment.

Once I Posed Nude For A Magazine. I've Never Been Back To That Newstand.

If An Asteroid Is Coming Toward You, You Don't Have To Blow It Up. You Just Have To Slow It Down Long Enough For Our Country To Rotate Out Of The Way.