I'm Not A Centrist, And

Hopefully People Are Upset For The Reason I Want Them To Be Upset. Even When I Was Doing Open Mics, I've Always Had People Upset. I've Never Been The Consummate Crowd-pleaser.

What President Of The Airline Is Doing Is, He's Urging Everyone To Give Up Their Frequent Flyer Miles For Sick Kids... But As I Was Reading This, There Were Two Empty Seats Next To Me. Why Can't Sick Kids Sit There? If They're So Concerned With Sick Kids, Shouldn't They Have Like A Pen Of Sick Kids Next To The Gate?

I'm Not Going To Benefit From Free College Education, But I Think All Those Things Are Good For The Country.

I'm A Professional Comic. Whether You Think I'm Funny Or Not, That's, Again, Subjective.

All My Friends Are Always Telling Me How Hard It Is To Have Kids. 'oh, David, It's So Hard.' That's Not Hard. I'll Tell You What Hard Is. Try Talking Your Girlfriend Into Her Third Consecutive Abortion. Yeah, That's Hard, That Takes Finesse. You're Just Inconvenienced.