I Drink Diet Coke So

Kids, Man, They're Way Too Honest. They're Like Mini-alcoholics.

When You Hear "seinfield," No One Says, "the Jewish Comic." You Talk About Cedric The Entertainer, You Don't Say, "african American Comedian Cedric The Entertainer." Even Margaret Cho - Who's Like One Of Three Korean Performers Out There - No One Refers To Her Like That. They Say, "it's Margaret Cho."

And I Don't Want You Thinking That My Girlfriend Is A Bad Person. She Is An Amazing Woman, The Fact That I Only Have Seven Stories About Her In Eight Years, Says A Lot. You Know, Don't Get Me Wrong, Five Of Them Happened This Year, But That's Still Way Below The Bar, You Know What I Am Saying.

I Try Not To Get Political, I Don't Want To Get Religious, I Don't Want To Get Controversial, I Just Want To Have A Show That Relates To Everybody.

By The End Of The Semester [in The High School] I Was The Only One Up In Front Of The Class Everyday. Actually I Could Have Passed The Class Four Times Over Because Every Time You Got In Front Of The Class You Got Extra Credit.that Was The Only Class I Got An A In And It Was The Funniest Report Card Because It Read Speech - A But Everything Else Was Just D, D, D, D.