Have I Had Therapy? I

So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

I Have No Qualifications To Do Anything Else And There Weren't Any Formal Application Forms You Had To Fill In For Stand-up, So I Thought I'd Give That A Twist.

Oh How I Hate You. I Hate You So Much It Gives Me Energy. I Have To Get Up Early In The Morning Just To Hate You, Because There's Not Enough Time In The Day! Please Go Away!

Paper Acts As An Eraser On The Mind, As Soon As You Look At What You've Written.

I Need A Healthy Injection Of Cynicism Right Now.