Baptists Are Only Funny Underwater.

You Must Realize That Honorary Degrees Are Given Generally To People Whose Sat Scores Were Too Low To Get Them Into Schools The Regular Way. As A Matter Of Fact, It Was My Sat Scores That Led Me Into My Present Vocation In Life, Comedy.

I Firmly Believe That If You Follow A Path That Interests You, Not To The Exclusion Of Love, Sensitivity, And Cooperation With Others, But With The Strength Of Conviction That You Can Move Others By Your Own Efforts, And Do Not Make Success Or Failure The Criteria By Which You Live, The Chances Are You'll Be A Person Worthy Of Your Own Respects.

New York Is Not Mecca. It Just Smells Like It.

All Humor Is Based On Hostility - That's Why World War Two Was Funny.

I Understand. You Work Very Hard Two Days A Week And You Need A Five-day Weekend. That's Normal.